The visual things that inspire me daily
This Friday would have marked ninth year anniversary with my ex. Nearly a decade I’ve known him, it’s quite a long time. If you would have told me a year ago, how my year would go, I wouldn’t have believed my ears. I’m genuinely happy he is happy in another relationship, following his heart and planning his future.
I, however, have needed the year to experience exactly what I have. I’ve needed this time to get to know myself better but most importantly taking time off has helped me heal. Each passing person has given me a new perspective on things.
In reference to my previous post, it is extremely important to be complete on your own. Had I rushed into another relationship immediately, it wouldn’t have been fair to the other person nor me. I didn’t feel I was ready to be in a stable relationship.
By any means, this is not to judge anyone who feels they are ready to jump in a new relationship straight after the breakup, this is only my own experience. I’ve needed this time to evaluate myself, priorities, values, gather my thoughts and organize them. This time has been crucial for me to learn to be on my own and know that I can be without anyone being there by my side. Doing things on your own for the very first time have been scary, especially those you are used to having support with.
I’ve learned that I do have a support system with the most amazing friends, who are there for me but I need to ask for their help. Learning to be vulnerable in front of someone has not been easy but because of it, I now wear heart on my sleeve.
We’ve had countless discussions with friends regarding when should you enter into a new relationship. For us it seems clear that if you do not have your stuff together, if you haven’t worked on yourself, you will not find a relationship which will complete you. Referring to the previous post, two incomplete people will not make one complete person. It will actually make one incomplete relationship. Once you know who you are and what you want, it glows from within, people will naturally be attracted to your presence. You won’t have a void which needs to be filled as you fill it all on your own. Knowing you are your own person, that the other person is only there to add to your life – not be your entire life. Being someone’s entire life means you need them and you will hold on to them for dear life, which in return is not healthy in the least.
It took me about a month to get back on my feet. Deep within, I knew the breakup was coming as the relationship had been through a rocky road for a good while. I mourned. I cried. I was angry. I was upset. There were times when I thought my life had ended and I’ll end up a crazy cat lady. I never broke down to the point where I thought he’s the only one to bring me happiness. With my friends help, I knew I’d be okay. In the end, it was me who picked myself up knowing there is a lesson, or multiple lessons, to be learned. That life isn’t over just because a chapter is finished.
Every so often, it was weird for me to do something on my own which I was used to doing with him. But I grew, got stronger. Faced the biggest fears on my own (again with the help of my amazing friends). Thinking, I was strong enough to invite him back into my life, turned out to be too much for me. Went back to the same pitiful place where I was when the end was near. It was a dark place. Fell back into the dip. We had plans to do the very things he was doing in the new relationship. Another lesson learned.
There have been a few things which may have bothered me. I was always fearful to bring the subjects up, resulting in him getting used to me not saying anything. He got upset when they were brought up. Though he might think I’m being malicious, jealous or say things out of spite, this is not the case. How are you to talk to someone when they’re not even willing to listen? This is the only part where I’ve failed to get closure, which probably has prevented from moving on and letting go completely. Maybe the closure is to accept this fact since it is out of my hands. I don’t want to become bitter nor do I want these feelings and emotions to linger within me, therefore I need to find a way to express them in order to dissolve them.
Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t take any of it back. Nothing is taken for granted. All of this, has helped me heal (for the most part anyway). Helped me to become a better person, a complete person on my own. Therefore, I am happy to have been single the past year. Each
guy person that has come in my life, have taught me something new about myself. About what I want and don’t want, what I need, who I aspire to be.
It has taught me that if someone is genuinely interested in you, they will let it be known. There will be no need for games and plays, just being yourself and contacting them when you feel it to be right, they’ll appreciate it. Without even having to, they’ll say they’re sorry for not contacting sooner if they are busy. There is no hurry in anything, no timeline needed to be set. It all just happens naturally.
The people who want to rush into things, or where sex happens on the first date, they’re not a lasting thing. That’s okay as well. I guess it’s not chastity belt which I’ve been wanting or needing, but rather a real connection which does not need to be rushed. Through all these lessons, I feel I’m now more complete than I’ve ever been. It is only now that I know I could be in a mature relationship. Without losing a sense of healthy scepticism, there is a chance of such a relationship. Life is finally going in the direction I want it to go. I’m doing what I’m supposed to – following my purpose in this lifetime. Love towards life, towards all things, is in the air. Not only am I in love with life, but I’m in love with myself. I’ve accepted my flaws, the quirks I have, downfalls and things to improve on. It is up to the other person to accept me as I am, it’s their loss if they don’t. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been before. And you know what? It feels amazing being me. Romantic love, will come again eventually.