The visual things that inspire me daily
Life has taken me on another rollercoaster, just the direction has been missing. There are so many things I want to achieve, not entirely even sure how to start unravelling this mess. I took a few days off my day job to gather my thoughts. I am a strong believer of things happening for a reason, and now that a friend of mine has moved back to Ireland for the third time, he happens to live 5 minutes away from me. I cannot show enough gratitude for how thankful I am of the timing of it all. It is just so easy to give him a ring when I want to do something, even hang out to watch a movie. With his company, I’m also forcing myself to leave the house more and go explore unknown areas of Dublin. This actually has been crucial for my healing, without it I probably would have been anxious at home over-thinking things. It has given me new drive to make the steps to move on and clear my head.
Usually when I could feel a change coming, I’d have my significant other to go through these changes with. I’ve felt it coming for a long time now but been postponing it as I’ve been too scared to continue with my life. I guess I haven’t been ready for the change to come. However, with a lack of energy, barely any passion to do anything – even for life, constant tiredness and sleeping ridiculous amounts of hours, are all signs that something is not the way it should be. The lack of energy has caused me to not be able to really collect my thoughts and organize them. I am scared, terrified really, however when I’ve not been able to move on my own, the Universe (or God) is shoving it down my throat now. It gives you the chance to make the changes on your own before it forces onto you. This is my personal experience.
Life throws you curve-balls to see how you react and how you’re able to adapt to new situations. I’ve come to realize that once I get comfortable in something, it’s hard for me to change it. This is brand new realization for me since I’ve thought that I move on quite easily. I thought I was able to change things rather easy. However, I now conclude that this was more because of my significant other – he was the one who wanted to move and keep turning things around. It took me awhile to adapt though eventually, I did. Now that I have to face this all on my own, make decisions just for me without anyone telling me how I should do things or what I should do next it’s not the easiest adjustment.
Since I moved from Finland in 2006, I’ve always had someone, whether it was an au pair family, my significant other or even a few housemates. I’ve always had someone to tell me what to do or giving me unwanted advice. It is now the first time that I am faced with making decisions just for me. No longer is the advice unwanted since I only ask from the people I trust and value their thoughts (if I don’t want their opinion, I won’t say anything). I’ve needed time just to understand this, hence a combination of being off work, my friend living nearby and taking time to myself has been exactly what I have been needing.
This was only the first step, though. Now comes the decision-making. This is probably the most overwhelming part. I have ideas, thoughts, needs, wants, things I want to achieve. I want the world. I want to get there immediately. Often forgetting that the destination is not what counts but the road there. We have an image of the road we want to travel when we’re young, however the road never turns out to be as a straight line we imagine. This is all part of the experience called life. When you accept each situation, the easier you make it for yourself. The bumps are not there because the World is against you but rather to test how you react in order to know yourself, your strengths and what you can improve on.
In theory it all sounds easy, well not easy but easier than what it happens to become in reality. Human mind has a way of making everything more complex than what it actually needs to be, or even is. Add in the mixture anxiety and tendency for depression and the soup for disaster is ready. No wonder I have a lot to improve on when it comes to decision-making.
Once the decisions are set, then comes the part of sticking to it. Which in my case, can be harder than the decisions I’ve previously made. Choosing the first step in the destination you’ve taken should then be as easy as the decisions you’ve made. There are countless decisions which you make on a daily basis. I even get overwhelmed when choosing what to get at the grocery store, let alone making life altering decisions.
Alas, it has to be made. Do not be hard on yourself when making the best decision you can at that particular moment. If you end up in a different place than what you first thought you’d end up in, that’s absolutely okay. If you’re scared in making the efforts of realizing your dreams, ideas, thoughts, whichever – well they aren’t there for the easeness of it all, it’s not supposed to be easy. You are supposed to fail so you can improve and readvice your plan. For you to learn. Each is a lesson to be learned. The biggest failure is to give up on the things that matter. To give up on hope. To give up on life altogether.
The dark paths are absolutely fine. I’ve been on such a path for a while now. I’ve become numb because of it. Because I simply didn’t want to nor have the energy to alter my life into what I want it to be. Not necessarily even that, rather being unable to break it down to smaller pieces to chew. When trying to take too much, it becomes overwhelming. That’s what happened to me. I am slowly finding the light again, following my intuition and turning inward to find the answers. In fact, just yesterday, I got this sense of both of my grandmothers being present, that they are helping me get through this. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve regained my faith.
Regained faith in God, have started reading the Bible again and just quieting down. I’ve started praying. Feeling the presence of angels and other spirit guides. Through that, I’ve found balance, calmed down and been able to centre myself. It has changed my perspective once more. Now having blind faith that everything will turn out just the way it should.