Decluttering

Life on the blogosphere has been quiet – I apologize for that.

 

I don’t even have any proper excuse. Except that since I now live on my tablet, it makes typing a whole blog post hard. I’ve been tired, exhausted really. Still dealing with and letting go of 2012, such an intense year. I don’t really know what I need to do to fully let go of the past year but I guess I am doing it somehow.

 

Do you know how important it is to deal with the past year? Imagine this: you keep buying new things for your house, whether it be your personal longings such as clothes or some decorations you like to look at in your house or kitchen utilities. You keep accumulating these things. You do your weekly cleaning (which is a small part of cleaning) but you never really go through what you have in your house. You even forget what you have because it is somewhere in the bottom of the drawer. Your space keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Soon you won’t have any room left as it has become so cluttered. You barely have any room for yourself to live! That is your mind. It’s cluttered because you haven’t cleaned it fully. You haven’t gone through the necessary things, nor been able to let go of those thoughts/manners that doesn’t serve you anymore. It is full with the past.

 

 

 

How can you have any room for anything new if it’s cluttered in the first place? At one point you run out of your space. When that point is reached, you know you need to do the necessary cleaning and decluttering. To prevent that from happening, you can start just cleaning one month, six months, 12 months and clean that first. If you haven’t dealt with, in other words cleaned, your past several years, all the way possibly to when you were born, it will be very hard to enjoy the present moment. As a result, you get glimpses of your past, reliving moments, thinking of the good and the bad times, how you could have done something differently, and so on. But you see, one should live in the present for it is a gift.

 

 

How you clean your space, is up to you. I suggest that you do it as soon as possible. It is a process and depending on how much you have to clean, it may be awhile till everything is fully solved. Some may even need some (professional) help to be able to go through it all. Once everything is resolved fully, you can start living in the present and actually enjoying every single moment, thinking it is a gift.

 

Personally, I am still in the process. I have dealt with most of last year, I think. However, I haven’t dealt with all the other years all the way to my childhood. While I have been very lucky as a child to be born to a good household, there are still some internal issues that affect my everyday life. It is only now that I realize, I actually might need professional help myself. I am not ashamed of this for I know it is part of my path. Things need to be dealt with. I can’t do it on my own. I, myself, am asking for help. It feels extremely good to ask for help actually. If I can do it, you can do it too. I encourage you to listen deep within what it is you need to resolve the past, and do not be afraid to do it.

 

Everything begins by taking a small step

Life on the blog has been quite quiet recently. I’m still suffering major malfunctions with the computer. I’m having conversations inside rather than talking about it. I’m going through something bigger than life that has gotten me to think of what’s important to me in life. And right now, I’d like to keep it inside. One day I will share my story. One day, I will lay my soul bare naked for you to read. I know in my bones I’m meant to help others with my story. I’m not ready yet. I still need to go through it internally until I’m ready to open up completely.

One day this past week, I was so fed up with the computer that I nearly threw it out. I didn’t actually throw it out but I decided to get off it for a minute and start doing other things, such as organize the house, go get some groceries. Then I started something. I started a process. After a long, long time, I actually sat down, took a pen and my small notebook (the only notebook I have here) and started writing. I felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to say so much but my hand wasn’t as fast writing as it is typing so I forgot some of the things I wanted to write about.

That day, turned out to be one of the most beautiful days in awhile. I learned a few things of myself, I let my emotions burst. Most importantly, I felt so incredibly inspired. I felt bliss, love, enjoyment, beauty – all the most gorgeous things one could ever hope for to feel. That day, I had an epiphany. Suddenly, I knew exactly what I want and need to do. What I will be heading towards. I have not told anybody about the actual things that I hope to achieve, only just frictions of it to just two people. Like always, I’m asking the Universe to help me achieve my goals.

I know I will achieve these goals, I just need patience and perseverance. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I’m devoted to make this happen. I know I’m meant to do something big in my life. But before I can do that, I need to start loving myself and accepting myself the way I am. This is my starting point. For all of my life, nearly 25 years, I have not been able to do this. I’ve battled with it more than I can tell you right now. It has reflected on the outside in so many different ways. And I’ve realized that until I fully love myself and accept myself, I won’t be able to achieve the goals I want to achieve.

 

Moving on & letting go

When you get rid of the material things that you don’t need anymore, you make room for new, perhaps even better, things to come along. Letting go has been really hard for me, even when my cousins came for a weekend visit and when they had to leave after the weekend, I was crying my eyes out. Yesterday, when my best friends came by and they were leaving, it was the first time that I’ve actually really realized that it is time for me to move. I guess I’ve been preparing myself for it on one level or another but it’s always different to come to that actual moment. It has been nearly half a decade that I’ve spent here, all those moments when I thought I would get stuck here, I must say it’s been a wonderful road here.

I’ve shed a lot of tears here, after tears comes laughter. A lot of people met, being heartbroken, all the relationship drama, the worrying, the stress. All the fun moments, everyone that have walked in my path, even if for a short while, all the new experiences. They all are now just memories. I’m so grateful for everything I’ve experienced here, for all the people I’ve met.. it’s been a road full of experiences. Experiences, I’ve learned from! It’s time to move on to new experiences, new tears, new things to laugh about.

The apartment seems so empty and somehow so big. I’ve donated two big bags of clothes to Red Cross, which feels so incredibly good! A couple of friends have come by to see if they want something. The rest that I didn’t want to keep were thrown out. And you know what? It is such a relief to leave most things behind. It feel so good to let go of the old things, it clears the air around me but also my head! I absolutely love it! I know now that I’m going to into a new adventure.. I’ve no clue what awaits me when I get to leave here, I know I feel good to leave. I’m so excited to get to start new adventures in my life.

See you on the other side. (I’m not sure when I’ll post the next time, maybe later this week, but don’t worry I’ll be back shortly!)

Liberating Changes

I’ve seen it first-hand (or is it second-hand when it doesn’t happen to you but to someone else close to you) what the right kind of setting can do! Where I live now is not the right setting for me, I know that now. I realized it when I came back from my holiday the other day. I can see myself having the potential of being confident, down-to-earth, “businesswoman” (though I don’t know if I’d be one..who knows at this point though), loving, proud. That is how I feel I would be in the right setting. Not this whiny, emotional, unstable with a sorry-for-herself-attitude that I have now. I’ve never been uptight, nor will I ever become uptight, I’m way too relaxed for that! I know I can become anything I want, it just won’t happen here. I’ve realized that there are even karmic ties with this country, just not entirely sure what they are as of yet. I just know that I’ve come here to learn some very valuable and important lessons, and now it is time for me to move on.

 

As I stepped out of the airport, I realized for the first time I’m not sorry for myself, I’m not anxious, I’m not anything negative. I’m fired up, I want to leave here. The coming month will be a “vacation” month for me, although not much of a vacation as I will be working my not-so-little butt off. I think that this is the energy of Ace of Swords as well. What is even funnier, is that this will be January, and Ace is nr 1 – new year, new beginnings, new chances, new fire. With that said, as I came into the apartment, I actually felt a bit claustrophobic, I got anxious. I know that this is not the setting for me, it’s never been. It has been a setting of many lessons learned, very necessary ones. Immediately as I did come here, I started craving for chocolate, wanting to go back to the old ways of living. There is nothing about this country that makes me want to stay here. It has taught me everything I have needed to learn and now it’s time to move on. So, I’m ignoring the anxiety feeling and paying attention to the fire within me. Or will try my hardest to ignore it, and believe me, it’s not always so easy.

 

I had to go through in my head, most things that happened while I was on my holiday – the good, the bad, the laughter, the cries. So, keeping in mind Ace of Swords – which is actually turning out to be the main card for January! – a lot will happen. I’m ready for it though. Now more than ever, I must get out of here. I have such fire to get things in motion, to reorganize my life and start acting upon my dreams. Dreams do change, and right now, I have a couple of dreams I do want to accomplish but just not entirely sure in which order. I am afraid of making them come my reality – I’m afraid of the unknown but I’m also a little afraid of what my family may think. However, it is my life that I’m living, not theirs. I have to do what I feel is the best thing for me, I have to make my own mistakes and move on from them. If I don’t, I won’t learn anything nor will I ever take any chances. If I don’t take chances, what am I living for then? I just need to have the courage to follow my heart. I need to follow my own advice of what I’ve been saying to following heart, however, it is always easier to advice someone than follow your own advice. I feel I am now ready to actually starting to live my dreams, one by one making each come true.

 

I am now ready to let go of the excess baggage I’ve been carrying these past couple of years. I’m actually now ready to make the change I have started this past summer. In fact, I want to let go of the physical things I have been keeping and bringing from one apartment to another as I have moved. I will throw out most things this coming month, only keeping a few items I still want/need. I have already thrown out so many things in my last move but not enough. I feel liberation from the old. I feel that I will let go of the final weight I carry on my shoulders everyday, making it a struggle for me to fully live. This may have been the reason why I have been feeling so anxious – I wasn’t ready to let go of it all yet, next to that I feel like I am reminded of my past in my daily life, something I cannot deal with. The wounds are still open. They have stopped bleeding but they haven’t even started healing yet. It is hard to be reminded of the past daily, especially when you want to let go and move on.

 

I have seen it first-hand how it is to live fully free from the old. This person is now blooming, they’ve become the person I had always seen there was the potential. This person is now a very confident, one who wants to make everyone laugh but still comfortable enough to be sensitive and show it occasionally. Another friend of mine has just recently moved quite far away from where they used to live, even if they’re struggling, they’re still enjoying life and the change they have decided to make. Even if I may be a few steps behind, I’m slowly feeling like I am becoming more and more myself, having the confidence to actually say that I am proud of my own creations. This is now becoming my reality. With the fire that is burning inside me, I now have a goal I’m working towards. I can now let go, or the time will come very soon. It still may be an emotional ride, somewhat hard even, if I just keep on seeing the glimpses of this, I know I will be fine. I know things will work out, and they will go the way they’re supposed to. I just need to follow my heart, and not let anyone bring me down, even if they think this may not be the right choice for me. I need to be confident and trust myself more.

_________

 

The lesson from me to you here is for you to follow your heart, do it confidently, and do not let anyone bring you down! Changes are now more and more evident, the world is changing. It is up to you how you will handle it – will you change along with it or fight against it. Let go of the old, of the excess. You are going in the right direction, you will know this if you listen to your heart. Things are going the way they’re supposed to, even if you think they’re not and even if it hurts more than you think you cannot handle. Do not fight it, let it come to you. You can cry all you want, I should know it is not an easy process – I’ve been battling since the summer! Trust me when I say, you will feel that much better, and best of all, liberated!

 

Vent.

Just when you thought you had it all figured it out. Life throws you curve balls and suddenly you see your life flipping upside down. What have I done? Where to go now? I’m scared. Scared of losing control. Scared to get lost. For things to go from the known to the unknown. What should I do? I talk about following your heart but when in all reality, I’m terrified. I need to remind myself who do I live for – myself or others. I’m not comfortable, I feel so uneasy.

I’m angry.
I’m mad.
I’m frustrated.

I love.
I laugh.
I enjoy.

I’m afraid.
I’m terrified.
I’m lost.

Is this really how I’m really spending the last days of this year?

Spreading positivity

I came across this, and thought I would share it. It pretty much sums up my feelings and thoughts, I couldn’t have worded it better! Hope you enjoy it, too!