La vita e bella

So many things have been going on lately, that I’m not even sure where to begin. In the past months I’ve been succumbing and being on my own for the most part. Not really interacting with anyone. This has been what I’ve needed to do in order to deal with issues I can no longer hide from. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions, let me tell you this. In the past month or so, I’ve been sick twice, the last time it was really bad and I almost thought I would die. As I had these thoughts, I knew in my heart that this is metaphoric – merely bodily manifestation of what’s going on within. Of finally releasing what’s been bottled up inside.

Lately I’ve been wanting to have a deeper understanding of what’s going on in this world. I watch my shows and often think to myself, what am I watching? The jokes seem weird. Some of the lines on these shows make no sense to me. The drama is almost too much to keep watching. And yet, I cannot turn it off. It’s as if I’m in trans-liked state. Being a conspiracy theorist comes to my disadvantage here as I start doubting if these thoughts are because I’ve been reading upon it. Because I question everything.

Then I read the news – not because I want to but because I have nothing else to do, I used to not read the news at all! – the negativity is just overwhelming. If it’s not someone murdering another, it’s about the tough financial situation many countries are facing, the political issues, but what strikes me personally the most, is the fact that there are a lot of protests against something. The way I look at things is why don’t you celebrate the beautiful being that you are rather than go against to protest something, to categorize yourself in a box. La vita e bella, life is beautiful, and so are you. It is time to start loving life, loving yourself, loving the nature as that is so much more fulfilling than anything else in this world.

By watching these shows that I do, and thinking to myself what am I watching, by reading the news with all the negative happenings, now more than ever I feel being pressured by media. I feel media is trying to influence how I should behave. It is a way of being controlled. Even the music I listen to, doesn’t inspire me in the least, and it used to. It used to be a way out for me, to express myself, to get lost in the beautiful melodies of instruments. Of words that would express almost exactly how I feel. These days, the songs have no meaning. It’s just about partying, and all other things that are meaningless.

I guess what I’m battling the most with at the moment is, at heart I feel free, I am free. When I see the worldly manifestations, it doesn’t match up. It is filled with negativity, things our egos need to be fed with. All of it is just lies after lies. When are the people going to wake up to what is actually going on, and what is important in this worldly manifestation we call the Mother Earth?

I choose not to be put in a box, I choose to be me and the fact that I am a beautiful earthly being. I see what’s going on, I’ve seen it for a longer time. This is my deeper understanding. And yet, my ego is telling me that I’m crazy, I’m going crazy. What if the people who have been labeled as “schizophrenic”, having “dissociative identity disorder”, or “bipolar disorder” really have seen things in different perspective, have understood what I have understood? But they have been put in these boxes because the governments don’t want us to be free, they don’t want us to understand? What if people who are “diagnosed” (read: labeled or categorized) with such diseases are easier to control by being put in medication? My what if list is endless, and I don’t want to get sidetracked here.

The point I’m trying to say is, rise above it and feel the love. Free yourself from “should” “have to” “must” for those have negative influence on you. Free yourself from labels. Rather than going against something, and protesting, find the love. Find the positive and loving aspect of things for it is much more fulfilling than anything else! Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, acknowledge it, accept it, and thank for it. This will help release whatever it is that you’re feeling, positive or negative.

The way I see things, the life we live has no borders. Countries, religion they are border-less. For if we love one another, there is no need to protest. There’s no need for battles or wars.

The lack of trust

Life on the blog has been rather quiet. I know I say it in each post every time lately. Still, I do apologize for the quiet times. Truth be told, I’ve not been in the best of moods lately. Life has been a rollercoaster, and finally I feel like I’m losing my grip. But this is not something I want to post. It is not something I tell anyone really.

I have come to notice that I don’t trust people anymore. It takes years for me to build that trust with someone, and if things fall apart after those years, I don’t take it lightly. In fact, I start thinking to myself why did I even try for all those years, just to end up here in the first place? Sure, I don’t regret it – I try not to regret anything I do in my life. It just hurts me too much when the relationship I’ve worked for ends up being lost. (Relationship to me can be any relationship, partner, friend, family member etc.)

Then there are those people who I adore and want to be closer to in my life, and we once were, but not anymore. I’m starting to think I live in some kind of illusion world, where things go the way I’ve wanted them to. Not in reality, of how things actually are. I sometimes even make things up just so I feel better. This has started to happen more and more lately, which is leading me to think I live in an illusion.

Someone once told me that we get caught up in this worldly way of life, and because we don’t see certain things we believe it not to be true or happening. When in fact, it is the other way around, this worldly way of life IS the illusion and things we don’t see but we think are happening, are really happening.

That is where I, myself, get very confused. It is unfortunate but this world is rather egotistical and derives on money. One should have good education. One should be career focused and yet find time to have a family but not more than 2 children. I have always had my beliefs, and the way I see things. My beliefs are compressed completely by the society. I am afraid that because of my strong beliefs, one day I will go crazy because I cannot distinguish “reality” and “illusion” anymore.

How does this relate to me not trusting people? In the way that I cannot open up to people about my beliefs as I fear for their judgement. I fear that people think I’m crazy. I sometimes think I’m crazy, why wouldn’t someone else think that as well? I judge myself. I’m hard on myself. I find it hard to love myself, to put myself first, when happiness comes from within.

I also get down on myself for when I’m having a hard time. I’m generally a positive person. It’s just lately I’ve been having a hard time finding happiness. I’ve realized I love to love, and if I don’t have someone to love I question my whole existence. I can be independent no problem, as long as I know that at the end of the day, I can go home to the person I love the most in this world.

There is nothing more pure in all of existence than genuine, authentic love. I love loving. I should start trusting as well. Maybe one day.

 

Decluttering

Life on the blogosphere has been quiet – I apologize for that.

 

I don’t even have any proper excuse. Except that since I now live on my tablet, it makes typing a whole blog post hard. I’ve been tired, exhausted really. Still dealing with and letting go of 2012, such an intense year. I don’t really know what I need to do to fully let go of the past year but I guess I am doing it somehow.

 

Do you know how important it is to deal with the past year? Imagine this: you keep buying new things for your house, whether it be your personal longings such as clothes or some decorations you like to look at in your house or kitchen utilities. You keep accumulating these things. You do your weekly cleaning (which is a small part of cleaning) but you never really go through what you have in your house. You even forget what you have because it is somewhere in the bottom of the drawer. Your space keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Soon you won’t have any room left as it has become so cluttered. You barely have any room for yourself to live! That is your mind. It’s cluttered because you haven’t cleaned it fully. You haven’t gone through the necessary things, nor been able to let go of those thoughts/manners that doesn’t serve you anymore. It is full with the past.

 

 

 

How can you have any room for anything new if it’s cluttered in the first place? At one point you run out of your space. When that point is reached, you know you need to do the necessary cleaning and decluttering. To prevent that from happening, you can start just cleaning one month, six months, 12 months and clean that first. If you haven’t dealt with, in other words cleaned, your past several years, all the way possibly to when you were born, it will be very hard to enjoy the present moment. As a result, you get glimpses of your past, reliving moments, thinking of the good and the bad times, how you could have done something differently, and so on. But you see, one should live in the present for it is a gift.

 

 

How you clean your space, is up to you. I suggest that you do it as soon as possible. It is a process and depending on how much you have to clean, it may be awhile till everything is fully solved. Some may even need some (professional) help to be able to go through it all. Once everything is resolved fully, you can start living in the present and actually enjoying every single moment, thinking it is a gift.

 

Personally, I am still in the process. I have dealt with most of last year, I think. However, I haven’t dealt with all the other years all the way to my childhood. While I have been very lucky as a child to be born to a good household, there are still some internal issues that affect my everyday life. It is only now that I realize, I actually might need professional help myself. I am not ashamed of this for I know it is part of my path. Things need to be dealt with. I can’t do it on my own. I, myself, am asking for help. It feels extremely good to ask for help actually. If I can do it, you can do it too. I encourage you to listen deep within what it is you need to resolve the past, and do not be afraid to do it.

 

Epiphany

Certain things can never be undone. Words can never be unsaid. They just linger there, sometimes even years after. A lot is changing in my life right now, yes, yet again (or still?). I’m not sure what has triggered for me to take certain actions this weekend but it’s been a weekend of revelations! I am sad to tell you that I no longer live in Bulgaria. I have had to move to Ireland for the moment being.

 

Yesterday I moved into my new place, which is shared with 3 other people. I’ve never lived with so many other people and I wonder how am I going to be able to cope with that! This weekend has been an adventurous weekend, that’s for sure. I thought I could move in to the new place on Saturday, due to a misunderstanding I couldn’t, and so I had to find a bed to sleep in for a night in Dublin as no one was home to let  me in. It was a disaster! I tried to look on the bright side though it was really hard. So, finally yesterday came along and I got to move in. I was really knackered.

 

Due to exhaustion, I start over-analyzing and over-thinking the past and what I’ve been through. Where my life is at, and what is going to happen next. I have a laugh with my best friend on Skype, not really thinking anything, just being in the present. Then as the evening turns into the night, thoughts start running through my head once more. As these thoughts come, long before I realize it, I’m typing them on my computer. I realize I’m doing something totally stupid, what I will regret in the morning. I just have to. I can’t stop my fingers from moving. I can’t stop these thoughts. Then it’s too late.

The morning comes, as expected I regret it. I feel worse than I did yesterday. I can’t undo it anymore.

 

My suspicions are confirmed; social media is of the devil. What do you get out of facebook, really? Sure you can keep up with your friends you don’t necessarily talk to everyday. You can even have your family members there to catch up with. I’ve really been thinking of deleting my facebook for a while now as I feel it doesn’t really add anything to my life. If anything, more often than not, I get anxious when I’m there. You have your friends, acquaintances, even people you are just curious of what they’re doing without really talking to them. Ask yourself this, does that person really make you feel good or do they not serve your needs anymore?

 

For the first time I did something I never thought I would do – block a person! Thankfully, I can unblock them at any moment. Right now, I just feel that they are bringing me to a negative spiral more than anything. Having them in my life at the moment is simply too painful. I’m too involved in the situation, my emotions go up and down, analyzing every bit of their move. It was all just too much for me to take in, daily. To be honest, it felt exhilarating to do this! I never realized that I would feel that way. Or maybe I didn’t want to think that as there have been signs I’ve ignored along the way. I have every other way to get in touch with this person. I need my time, my space. Take a breather from everything I have ever known! This even leaves me thinking, maybe I should just get off facebook for awhile anyways, as I said it brings negativity within me every time I get on there.

 

I hadn’t realized this until I wrote this. I hadn’t realized that the reason why I have had minimum contact with my family members, is because I need my own time and space. If you know me personally and you are reading this, please know that this is nothing personal, I’m just listening to the voice in me! I’m following something I need to follow.

 

I feel as though something bigger is in the works right now. Something, I have no idea what it is. I may have a tiny hunch what it might be, what I possibly would like it to be, one can never be too sure. When I was hauling my luggage around Dublin on Saturday, a thought occurred in my head - one is never given more than what they can handle! And then a Kelly Clarkson song started playing in my head ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.’ (Although the song may be about a break-up, I think of it as an empowering song). I have noticed myself detaching from everything I once knew. Now it is up to me to find my True Self. I was scared last night, terrified really. Now, as I’m writing this, I’m calm. I know I’m just following the path I’m supposed to take.

 

What I once knew,
is now lost forever.
My world has been left,
shattered.
Possibly for the better.

© Sara Huuu

 

Everything begins by taking a small step

Life on the blog has been quite quiet recently. I’m still suffering major malfunctions with the computer. I’m having conversations inside rather than talking about it. I’m going through something bigger than life that has gotten me to think of what’s important to me in life. And right now, I’d like to keep it inside. One day I will share my story. One day, I will lay my soul bare naked for you to read. I know in my bones I’m meant to help others with my story. I’m not ready yet. I still need to go through it internally until I’m ready to open up completely.

One day this past week, I was so fed up with the computer that I nearly threw it out. I didn’t actually throw it out but I decided to get off it for a minute and start doing other things, such as organize the house, go get some groceries. Then I started something. I started a process. After a long, long time, I actually sat down, took a pen and my small notebook (the only notebook I have here) and started writing. I felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to say so much but my hand wasn’t as fast writing as it is typing so I forgot some of the things I wanted to write about.

That day, turned out to be one of the most beautiful days in awhile. I learned a few things of myself, I let my emotions burst. Most importantly, I felt so incredibly inspired. I felt bliss, love, enjoyment, beauty – all the most gorgeous things one could ever hope for to feel. That day, I had an epiphany. Suddenly, I knew exactly what I want and need to do. What I will be heading towards. I have not told anybody about the actual things that I hope to achieve, only just frictions of it to just two people. Like always, I’m asking the Universe to help me achieve my goals.

I know I will achieve these goals, I just need patience and perseverance. I can’t give up. I can’t let go. I’m devoted to make this happen. I know I’m meant to do something big in my life. But before I can do that, I need to start loving myself and accepting myself the way I am. This is my starting point. For all of my life, nearly 25 years, I have not been able to do this. I’ve battled with it more than I can tell you right now. It has reflected on the outside in so many different ways. And I’ve realized that until I fully love myself and accept myself, I won’t be able to achieve the goals I want to achieve.

 

When relying on technology..

I haven’t been feeling like blogging lately, you probably may have noticed this based on the amounts of posts I’ve been doing recently. I’ve felt as if I’m constantly playing the catch-up game without actually catching up. I’ve had a couple of things I’ve been wanting to post about but for some reason I haven’t, not yet at least. In most cases, they might just be put on the shelf and forgotten there.

 

I will, however, post a tip list of Bulgaria and its culture, people, and things I’ve noticed, are different from a foreigner’s perspective. Just some cultural things that have gotten me wonder about other things. I’ve promised to post photo’s from here – I will still do that, I’m just having a bit of technical difficulties right now.

 

Speaking of technology, I grew up with technology. I grew up in a household where our whole family had cell phones (and this was way back in the day when cellphones were even all that popular!), we had TV’s in all bedrooms, etc. I used to know all the Nokia phones and their models by heart. That’s how much of a tech geek I’ve been. I watched my dad when he was recording a song (or the aftermath actually) or if he’d unplug a wire and plug it again somewhere else. This made me tech savvy. Although, there is always more room to grow but I’m comfortable working on a problem of a computer.

 

Where the difficulty comes in, is I’ve no clue how to fix a computer when it comes to taking it apart and seeing if all the internal things are working properly. One of my best friends, he knows how to do all of this stuff. And I could always ask his help. Now that I’m in Bulgaria, I don’t have this privilege anymore. We have three laptops in the household, none of which work perfectly. In fact, one of them won’t turn on anymore. One doesn’t play video. And the third is just incredibly slow.

 

I’ve been struggling with technology for a little bit now. The gadget addict in me wants to have the top-of-the-line and latest technology possible. As there are so many options these days, it is so hard to keep up with what’s latest anymore. I guess, I just would enjoy a reliable laptop that works as it should – wouldn’t be slow, would play video, and would not turn off unexpectedly.

 

As if the computer issue isn’t enough, I dropped my phone in the toilet. Granted, it’s not the latest phone and I’ve sort of been fed up with it lately. It still has worked though. I haven’t complained about it. I think I’ve had it for over 2 years now. It’s still a smartphone. It now seems that I need to get a new phone, most likely one that isn’t a smart one. Just a basic one. I’ve always had a backup phone, but that one broke too awhile back. In other words, for the first time, I’m completely without a phone at the moment.

 

I haven’t been needing a TV for awhile – it’s just been something I’d enjoy, but it’d be a nice luxury thing. Right now, I sort of wish I had a TV, so I could at least watch my shows on the TV. I wouldn’t be as dependent on the laptop anymore. Or a brand new laptop, one that is reliable. I haven’t wanted an iPad, there is no desire in me to get one. Sure, it’d be cool and all. I’d rather spend it on a new lens on my camera, or a laptop..

 

So, as you might guess, this makes me not want to get on the laptop and write on the blog. I don’t even want to be on the computer all that much. Could it be that there is a reason why most of the gadgets are crashing pretty much all at the same time? Maybe the Universe has been giving me hints of not being so reliable on them. It got tired of hinting, so it’s now shoving it down my throat. Could the lesson be to not be so reliable on technology, to open my eyes and focus on the things that are around me, aka nature? It’s hard to get used to that, but if that’s the case, then there is nothing that I can do about it. Just accept it, and learn the lesson.

 

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