I’ve seen it first-hand (or is it second-hand when it doesn’t happen to you but to someone else close to you) what the right kind of setting can do! Where I live now is not the right setting for me, I know that now. I realized it when I came back from my holiday the other day. I can see myself having the potential of being confident, down-to-earth, “businesswoman” (though I don’t know if I’d be one..who knows at this point though), loving, proud. That is how I feel I would be in the right setting. Not this whiny, emotional, unstable with a sorry-for-herself-attitude that I have now. I’ve never been uptight, nor will I ever become uptight, I’m way too relaxed for that! I know I can become anything I want, it just won’t happen here. I’ve realized that there are even karmic ties with this country, just not entirely sure what they are as of yet. I just know that I’ve come here to learn some very valuable and important lessons, and now it is time for me to move on.
As I stepped out of the airport, I realized for the first time I’m not sorry for myself, I’m not anxious, I’m not anything negative. I’m fired up, I want to leave here. The coming month will be a “vacation” month for me, although not much of a vacation as I will be working my not-so-little butt off. I think that this is the energy of Ace of Swords as well. What is even funnier, is that this will be January, and Ace is nr 1 – new year, new beginnings, new chances, new fire. With that said, as I came into the apartment, I actually felt a bit claustrophobic, I got anxious. I know that this is not the setting for me, it’s never been. It has been a setting of many lessons learned, very necessary ones. Immediately as I did come here, I started craving for chocolate, wanting to go back to the old ways of living. There is nothing about this country that makes me want to stay here. It has taught me everything I have needed to learn and now it’s time to move on. So, I’m ignoring the anxiety feeling and paying attention to the fire within me. Or will try my hardest to ignore it, and believe me, it’s not always so easy.
I had to go through in my head, most things that happened while I was on my holiday – the good, the bad, the laughter, the cries. So, keeping in mind Ace of Swords – which is actually turning out to be the main card for January! – a lot will happen. I’m ready for it though. Now more than ever, I must get out of here. I have such fire to get things in motion, to reorganize my life and start acting upon my dreams. Dreams do change, and right now, I have a couple of dreams I do want to accomplish but just not entirely sure in which order. I am afraid of making them come my reality – I’m afraid of the unknown but I’m also a little afraid of what my family may think. However, it is my life that I’m living, not theirs. I have to do what I feel is the best thing for me, I have to make my own mistakes and move on from them. If I don’t, I won’t learn anything nor will I ever take any chances. If I don’t take chances, what am I living for then? I just need to have the courage to follow my heart. I need to follow my own advice of what I’ve been saying to following heart, however, it is always easier to advice someone than follow your own advice. I feel I am now ready to actually starting to live my dreams, one by one making each come true.
I am now ready to let go of the excess baggage I’ve been carrying these past couple of years. I’m actually now ready to make the change I have started this past summer. In fact, I want to let go of the physical things I have been keeping and bringing from one apartment to another as I have moved. I will throw out most things this coming month, only keeping a few items I still want/need. I have already thrown out so many things in my last move but not enough. I feel liberation from the old. I feel that I will let go of the final weight I carry on my shoulders everyday, making it a struggle for me to fully live. This may have been the reason why I have been feeling so anxious – I wasn’t ready to let go of it all yet, next to that I feel like I am reminded of my past in my daily life, something I cannot deal with. The wounds are still open. They have stopped bleeding but they haven’t even started healing yet. It is hard to be reminded of the past daily, especially when you want to let go and move on.
I have seen it first-hand how it is to live fully free from the old. This person is now blooming, they’ve become the person I had always seen there was the potential. This person is now a very confident, one who wants to make everyone laugh but still comfortable enough to be sensitive and show it occasionally. Another friend of mine has just recently moved quite far away from where they used to live, even if they’re struggling, they’re still enjoying life and the change they have decided to make. Even if I may be a few steps behind, I’m slowly feeling like I am becoming more and more myself, having the confidence to actually say that I am proud of my own creations. This is now becoming my reality. With the fire that is burning inside me, I now have a goal I’m working towards. I can now let go, or the time will come very soon. It still may be an emotional ride, somewhat hard even, if I just keep on seeing the glimpses of this, I know I will be fine. I know things will work out, and they will go the way they’re supposed to. I just need to follow my heart, and not let anyone bring me down, even if they think this may not be the right choice for me. I need to be confident and trust myself more.
The lesson from me to you here is for you to follow your heart, do it confidently, and do not let anyone bring you down! Changes are now more and more evident, the world is changing. It is up to you how you will handle it – will you change along with it or fight against it. Let go of the old, of the excess. You are going in the right direction, you will know this if you listen to your heart. Things are going the way they’re supposed to, even if you think they’re not and even if it hurts more than you think you cannot handle. Do not fight it, let it come to you. You can cry all you want, I should know it is not an easy process – I’ve been battling since the summer! Trust me when I say, you will feel that much better, and best of all, liberated!