Music + Emotions, III.

Read part I here.
Part II here. 

This last song choice of mine means a lot to me. I love this song. She has worded my exact feelings. So many times, have I thought I want to leave, I want to change. Life is all about change. Especially these past 12 months have been full of major changes, and it won’t stop anytime soon. I will miss, and I do miss, certain parts of what used to be. They are memories, beautiful memories made. They are treasures, which you don’t go to everyday, but occasionally because you want to remember them.

 

 

Liberating Changes

I’ve seen it first-hand (or is it second-hand when it doesn’t happen to you but to someone else close to you) what the right kind of setting can do! Where I live now is not the right setting for me, I know that now. I realized it when I came back from my holiday the other day. I can see myself having the potential of being confident, down-to-earth, “businesswoman” (though I don’t know if I’d be one..who knows at this point though), loving, proud. That is how I feel I would be in the right setting. Not this whiny, emotional, unstable with a sorry-for-herself-attitude that I have now. I’ve never been uptight, nor will I ever become uptight, I’m way too relaxed for that! I know I can become anything I want, it just won’t happen here. I’ve realized that there are even karmic ties with this country, just not entirely sure what they are as of yet. I just know that I’ve come here to learn some very valuable and important lessons, and now it is time for me to move on.

 

As I stepped out of the airport, I realized for the first time I’m not sorry for myself, I’m not anxious, I’m not anything negative. I’m fired up, I want to leave here. The coming month will be a “vacation” month for me, although not much of a vacation as I will be working my not-so-little butt off. I think that this is the energy of Ace of Swords as well. What is even funnier, is that this will be January, and Ace is nr 1 – new year, new beginnings, new chances, new fire. With that said, as I came into the apartment, I actually felt a bit claustrophobic, I got anxious. I know that this is not the setting for me, it’s never been. It has been a setting of many lessons learned, very necessary ones. Immediately as I did come here, I started craving for chocolate, wanting to go back to the old ways of living. There is nothing about this country that makes me want to stay here. It has taught me everything I have needed to learn and now it’s time to move on. So, I’m ignoring the anxiety feeling and paying attention to the fire within me. Or will try my hardest to ignore it, and believe me, it’s not always so easy.

 

I had to go through in my head, most things that happened while I was on my holiday – the good, the bad, the laughter, the cries. So, keeping in mind Ace of Swords – which is actually turning out to be the main card for January! – a lot will happen. I’m ready for it though. Now more than ever, I must get out of here. I have such fire to get things in motion, to reorganize my life and start acting upon my dreams. Dreams do change, and right now, I have a couple of dreams I do want to accomplish but just not entirely sure in which order. I am afraid of making them come my reality – I’m afraid of the unknown but I’m also a little afraid of what my family may think. However, it is my life that I’m living, not theirs. I have to do what I feel is the best thing for me, I have to make my own mistakes and move on from them. If I don’t, I won’t learn anything nor will I ever take any chances. If I don’t take chances, what am I living for then? I just need to have the courage to follow my heart. I need to follow my own advice of what I’ve been saying to following heart, however, it is always easier to advice someone than follow your own advice. I feel I am now ready to actually starting to live my dreams, one by one making each come true.

 

I am now ready to let go of the excess baggage I’ve been carrying these past couple of years. I’m actually now ready to make the change I have started this past summer. In fact, I want to let go of the physical things I have been keeping and bringing from one apartment to another as I have moved. I will throw out most things this coming month, only keeping a few items I still want/need. I have already thrown out so many things in my last move but not enough. I feel liberation from the old. I feel that I will let go of the final weight I carry on my shoulders everyday, making it a struggle for me to fully live. This may have been the reason why I have been feeling so anxious – I wasn’t ready to let go of it all yet, next to that I feel like I am reminded of my past in my daily life, something I cannot deal with. The wounds are still open. They have stopped bleeding but they haven’t even started healing yet. It is hard to be reminded of the past daily, especially when you want to let go and move on.

 

I have seen it first-hand how it is to live fully free from the old. This person is now blooming, they’ve become the person I had always seen there was the potential. This person is now a very confident, one who wants to make everyone laugh but still comfortable enough to be sensitive and show it occasionally. Another friend of mine has just recently moved quite far away from where they used to live, even if they’re struggling, they’re still enjoying life and the change they have decided to make. Even if I may be a few steps behind, I’m slowly feeling like I am becoming more and more myself, having the confidence to actually say that I am proud of my own creations. This is now becoming my reality. With the fire that is burning inside me, I now have a goal I’m working towards. I can now let go, or the time will come very soon. It still may be an emotional ride, somewhat hard even, if I just keep on seeing the glimpses of this, I know I will be fine. I know things will work out, and they will go the way they’re supposed to. I just need to follow my heart, and not let anyone bring me down, even if they think this may not be the right choice for me. I need to be confident and trust myself more.

_________

 

The lesson from me to you here is for you to follow your heart, do it confidently, and do not let anyone bring you down! Changes are now more and more evident, the world is changing. It is up to you how you will handle it – will you change along with it or fight against it. Let go of the old, of the excess. You are going in the right direction, you will know this if you listen to your heart. Things are going the way they’re supposed to, even if you think they’re not and even if it hurts more than you think you cannot handle. Do not fight it, let it come to you. You can cry all you want, I should know it is not an easy process – I’ve been battling since the summer! Trust me when I say, you will feel that much better, and best of all, liberated!

 

Conversation Observation

As I’m sitting and listening to the conversation that is going on with my friends, I’m enjoying to be part of this. Although I am “White”, I can only imagine how it feel to feel the way they do. Being part of this, I don’t feel excluded. Being the emotional person that I am, I feel the pain, the aggravation, the frustration, the emotions that are going through them. Having to face the stereotypes, the ignorance, and the prejudices in everyday life, it is no wonder why they feel the way they do.

Although, I haven’t consciously thought of it, I feel bad. I am more privileged than they have been (or that is my assumption), their life stories are a lot harder than mine. I want to stand up, say something, I want to defend their case! The impression I got is that they feel a bondage that has been binding them to think they are not worth as much. This is when I realize that they haven’t realized this until now, either. Subconsciously they have been under-looked, if you will, by the society. Therefore making them believe that they, in fact, aren’t as smart or great as someone else. This results in that they are not living to their full potential, even if it has been subconscious.

Coming back to my color of the skin and why I used quotations, is simply because inside I don’t feel I am of any color. Inside, I am me, I am my own person. Inside I accept who I am without prejudices or conditional love. Whether or not it is shown in my outer shell. Outside I don’t look like what I imagine myself to look.

I guess the message I want to send you;
Love the person you are regardless of your outer shell!
Don’t judge a person based on their look, but really get to know what’s on the inside, as that is what really matters!

Only then can you break free of the chains that the society might have created.
Be free, live free.

This is an important lesson I have learned today. Everything starts with yourself, and I am trying to make that change within me. If there is anyone who can relate to this, even one person, I can rest my case. I have sent this message to the universe for it to be heard.

 

Anxiety

What is anxiety? It comes out of worry, stress, fear. Why do we get it? How can we make it go away? I believe it to be an illusion. It is a feeling that man has made. It embraces negativity. Most often than not, you don’t even know where it comes from. I believe it is something this world lives on. In fact it feeds it. When is the last time you saw a good piece of news in the newspaper or on TV? Can’t think of any? That’s is one way to feed the fear in you.

Anxiety is a spiral of other negative feelings. Anxiety triggers worry, making you doubt your whole belief system, which makes you want to be over-controlling, which in the end will trigger panic. Recognize at least part of this cycle? Personally, I do. I have felt anxious for a long time. That is until I learned to put it in control, it took me a very long time to get it under control. I tried so many different things. I stopped following the news for one. I do realize that there are a lot of negativity and wrong doings in this world of ours but by listening to it, seeing it everywhere, only makes you feel worse about yourself.

It even went to the point where I felt trapped. I felt that I cannot do anything, or better yet, go anywhere. Everything started closing in on me, and all  I just wanted was to get out. If you’re a frequent reader of my blog, you know that I needed to make a change in my life this year. This is partly the reason. I’m a huge optimist, I think in each situation there is a positive side, there is a lesson to be learned. Without going through what I went through this year, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this blog, hoping that there is someone out there who can resonate with me, and that this blog will help them get out of that spiral. I broke free, so can  you!

If not taken care of, anxiety can lead to depression. Anxiety can lead to panic attacks. Anxiety is negative, causing stress, which in the end will harm your body. One of the reasons why I personally felt anxious was because I didn’t have nature around me. When I went back to nature, to listen to the sounds of Mother Earth, that really revised my view. Water is a very important element in my life. I love to go swimming. You wouldn’t believe how much it affects you and your body if you don’t drink water. As of recently, I’ve started to truly take my time when I drink water, making sure that my feet are completely on ground from toes to sole of my feet. As crazy as that sounds, water is very important to your body and make sure that you drink real water every day!

One way to break free of anxiety is through meditation, through opening your chakra’s. I haven’t fully been able to open my chakra’s completely, but I know that I get one step closer each time I meditate. Meditation is important because you concentrate on the now, and nothing else. In this busy world of ours, we forget to stop, even for five minutes or just a minute. You listen to your body through meditation. Listening to your body, and its needs, is extremely important! Without it, you won’t know what your body needs, and which parts of your body need attention at that moment.

I still battle with anxiety at times. Some of my own wounds need to heal. It will take a little while, but like every wound heals with time, I know mine will, too. I just need to give it time. So, my advice to you in regards to anxiety is, acknowledge it. Listen to your body, listen to what needs most attention, through meditation or another way. Remember to stop every once in awhile. Love and nurture yourself. Nourish yourself with water and other real foods. Learn to love yourself, and accept who you are, unconditionally.

These are just a couple of things I have learned to be helpful when I have dealt with anxiety, to find inner-harmony.  Give yourself time.