Epiphany

Certain things can never be undone. Words can never be unsaid. They just linger there, sometimes even years after. A lot is changing in my life right now, yes, yet again (or still?). I’m not sure what has triggered for me to take certain actions this weekend but it’s been a weekend of revelations! I am sad to tell you that I no longer live in Bulgaria. I have had to move to Ireland for the moment being.

 

Yesterday I moved into my new place, which is shared with 3 other people. I’ve never lived with so many other people and I wonder how am I going to be able to cope with that! This weekend has been an adventurous weekend, that’s for sure. I thought I could move in to the new place on Saturday, due to a misunderstanding I couldn’t, and so I had to find a bed to sleep in for a night in Dublin as no one was home to let  me in. It was a disaster! I tried to look on the bright side though it was really hard. So, finally yesterday came along and I got to move in. I was really knackered.

 

Due to exhaustion, I start over-analyzing and over-thinking the past and what I’ve been through. Where my life is at, and what is going to happen next. I have a laugh with my best friend on Skype, not really thinking anything, just being in the present. Then as the evening turns into the night, thoughts start running through my head once more. As these thoughts come, long before I realize it, I’m typing them on my computer. I realize I’m doing something totally stupid, what I will regret in the morning. I just have to. I can’t stop my fingers from moving. I can’t stop these thoughts. Then it’s too late.

The morning comes, as expected I regret it. I feel worse than I did yesterday. I can’t undo it anymore.

 

My suspicions are confirmed; social media is of the devil. What do you get out of facebook, really? Sure you can keep up with your friends you don’t necessarily talk to everyday. You can even have your family members there to catch up with. I’ve really been thinking of deleting my facebook for a while now as I feel it doesn’t really add anything to my life. If anything, more often than not, I get anxious when I’m there. You have your friends, acquaintances, even people you are just curious of what they’re doing without really talking to them. Ask yourself this, does that person really make you feel good or do they not serve your needs anymore?

 

For the first time I did something I never thought I would do – block a person! Thankfully, I can unblock them at any moment. Right now, I just feel that they are bringing me to a negative spiral more than anything. Having them in my life at the moment is simply too painful. I’m too involved in the situation, my emotions go up and down, analyzing every bit of their move. It was all just too much for me to take in, daily. To be honest, it felt exhilarating to do this! I never realized that I would feel that way. Or maybe I didn’t want to think that as there have been signs I’ve ignored along the way. I have every other way to get in touch with this person. I need my time, my space. Take a breather from everything I have ever known! This even leaves me thinking, maybe I should just get off facebook for awhile anyways, as I said it brings negativity within me every time I get on there.

 

I hadn’t realized this until I wrote this. I hadn’t realized that the reason why I have had minimum contact with my family members, is because I need my own time and space. If you know me personally and you are reading this, please know that this is nothing personal, I’m just listening to the voice in me! I’m following something I need to follow.

 

I feel as though something bigger is in the works right now. Something, I have no idea what it is. I may have a tiny hunch what it might be, what I possibly would like it to be, one can never be too sure. When I was hauling my luggage around Dublin on Saturday, a thought occurred in my head - one is never given more than what they can handle! And then a Kelly Clarkson song started playing in my head ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.’ (Although the song may be about a break-up, I think of it as an empowering song). I have noticed myself detaching from everything I once knew. Now it is up to me to find my True Self. I was scared last night, terrified really. Now, as I’m writing this, I’m calm. I know I’m just following the path I’m supposed to take.

 

What I once knew,
is now lost forever.
My world has been left,
shattered.
Possibly for the better.

© Sara Huuu

 

Details in the Fabric

Candle tart

This is addition to my previous post. Be sure to check it out as well!

There is something else too though.. and this is actually very new to myself, I didn’t know what it actually was and had to go online to research it! Have you ever heard of candle tart? Or candle wax tart? Like the name suggests, the candle looks like a tart. Whereas in a normal candle has some sort of a candle wick, a tart doesn’t. I got myself two pieces of Yankee candle tarts during the holidays. Silly me, I thought they would have been normal candles with a candle wick inside, but to my surprise there was nothing like that in it! So, I was like now what – what am I supposed to do with these? No wonder they weren’t very costly..

For the incense, I had gotten a tart  burner, as I didn’t like the incense burners that they had at that store (they were just hideous, you wouldn’t want them in your house!)! At the time of the purchase, I didn’t exactly know what it was. I just thought to myself that I will use it as an incense burner, one way or the other. And I have. Until today. When by chance, I found out that it is actually used to burn candle tarts!

So, now I’m more than amazed and amused that I had actually gotten something I didn’t know what it was until acquiring the other part! Universe works in mysterious ways for sure, and you never know what it may have up on its sleeve ;).

I am just enjoying the scent my new Yankee Candle tart is giving this apartment. This is a great alternative for candle burning. All you need is candle tart, a normal small tealight candle (NOT scented!), and a tart burner. Upon having these, you will be set to go, none of them should be too expensive either! To my knowledge, these are even cheaper than normal candles! What I learned to do is to cut the tart in four smaller pieces (3 can work too) to make it last longer. Below, you can find my own photos of today’s little miracle. As the candle is burning, I feel it calming me down, giving me comfort for otherwise somewhat crappy day. I truly love the scent I have too..

Last four photos by © Sara Huuu. All rights reserved.

Cognitive Dissonance = Ignorance?

Big words on the title, huge really. Hard words to perhaps even understand, or grasp. Let me explain what I mean.
Cognitive Dissonance is more or less when you feel uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time. So you believe that you are good but do something bad, causing you to feel discomfort, which is the essence of cognitive dissonance. You then justify your behavior. For example, you are environmental friendly so you use the public transport to go to work or school. However, you have a car. When you drive your car, you justify it “oh, I don’t drive it that much” or “why should I be the victim of doing the effort of being environmental friendly when no one else is”.

This is a very touchy subject I’m going to take now but it just brings out emotions out of me, and I no longer want to be quiet about it, which I think our society has done over the decades.

There was this experiment in the 60′s done on children. Depending on the eye color (blue or brown), you were either discriminated or enforced positively. The experiment was a simple experiment of what is happening even today – racism. The blue eyed children were the ‘privileged ones’ where they got extra recess time, positive enforcement and  sorts. While the brown eye children didn’t get any privileges at all and the teacher had a negative tone in her voice. The blue eyed couldn’t play with the brown eyed. This was conditioning the children themselves to think that they’re dumber or better than the rest.

In the beginning the children were asked if there are any people underprivileged, they immediately thought of Black people and Indian (Native Americans). My first question is why do these under 10 year-old children think this? My thoughts: because the society has conditioned it in their brains from early on through the authority, mainly parents and teachers. Furthermore, more often than not even today Black people think they’re ‘dumber’ than the rest. Why? Because they have been taught to believe this. However, most cannot even say why they feel the way they do, it goes back that far.

I can say that I have grown up in a rather privileged conditions – my parents have always reinforced of what I have done, believed in me, told me I can do anything, and told me the world is open for me. This is very positive conditioning. I have followed this path. The only thing that has had a negative enforcement has been when I was bullied at school, and I have learned that his is where most of my insecurities come from, if not all.

You may be wondering what ignorance has to do with all of this. How many times do you justify what you know you’re doing wrong, that you’re not? Or tell yourself “but because the others..” or “I was asked to do this”. What many people don’t seem to realize is that media has a lot to do with this. They describe the person who has done a crime “black male, about 6 feet tall..” and eventually it will be in our heads.  The next time you see a tall black male, you feel intimidated, and you don’t even realize why you feel that way. In other words by justifying our way of thinking or doing things is reinforcing ignorance.

What do you know about your country’s government? Surely you have an idea, and the information you get is through mainstream media. How often do you hear the other side of the coin? So, do you know what exactly is going on, when you’re given only one side? I just want you to think about what impact the media has in your life but also what you truly know about your government and if they’re truly thinking of YOUR benefits or their own.

Think about TV and what comes out of the channels, mainly these days it’s rubbish. A reality show, one after another. Sexuality has been part of it the past couple of decades. Think about music videos – children look up to the artists they listen to, and yet they are very sexual videos you see. Often objectifying women. Rihanna who happens to be one of the top names in music industry, has a video out where she’s in chains, men almost violating her, which she doesn’t even seem to mind. While this video was banned in some countries, in most countries it was shown even during day time. What kind of a message does that send to children? Don’t even get me started on fashion..

It seems that because we are so busy all the time, we don’t even have the time to have a proper meal with the family anymore. In fact, now we either go to a fast food joint or get a pre-made meal from the store. All of the pre-made meals are made in a factory, containing unnatural things that we shouldn’t even have. Food is to be enjoyed from nature, how did the cavemen survive? They hunt their own food, went fishing, used nature’s own resources. As to fast-food joints, someone once told me when they lived in a country where there is a fast-food joint in every corner that they felt a bit dumber, it was as if something happened in their brain. We need good nutrition from nature.

What about education? Why do the best schools cost so much, that only the ‘elite’ can afford to go there? Why aren’t the other schools acknowledged as well?

Somehow, I get the feeling that we are being held down by our society, the government, the elite – what ever you want to call it. It feels as if they don’t want us to be well-educated or think anymore. We don’t even have jobs for uneducated people, and there are studies even to become a cleaner. Don’t you just hear the bells ringing, don’t you see the red flag flickering? Yet, we continue to obey the rules, work in places where you don’t even need to use your brain.

With all of that said, we are starting rebel against all of this. People are breaking out of negative situations. We are finally starting to wake up. However, you don’t answer to negative with negative. Nothing pisses off more than if you stay calm, enforce positivism to the people in control. Negative only reinforces negativity, and then it becomes an endless spiral. If you break out of that, stay calm and show love to everyone, even strangers, this world would be a much happier place.

I would like to end this post with the following. As small or corny as this may sound, I find it to be very accurate; everything starts with yourself. Please, start with yourself, and stand-up. Make a change within. If we all think this way, we will be together, we will be united. Nothing can stop us anymore. My final question to you is, with all that you have learned – Are you being brainwashed?