Certain things can never be undone. Words can never be unsaid. They just linger there, sometimes even years after. A lot is changing in my life right now, yes, yet again (or still?). I’m not sure what has triggered for me to take certain actions this weekend but it’s been a weekend of revelations! I am sad to tell you that I no longer live in Bulgaria. I have had to move to Ireland for the moment being.
Yesterday I moved into my new place, which is shared with 3 other people. I’ve never lived with so many other people and I wonder how am I going to be able to cope with that! This weekend has been an adventurous weekend, that’s for sure. I thought I could move in to the new place on Saturday, due to a misunderstanding I couldn’t, and so I had to find a bed to sleep in for a night in Dublin as no one was home to let me in. It was a disaster! I tried to look on the bright side though it was really hard. So, finally yesterday came along and I got to move in. I was really knackered.
Due to exhaustion, I start over-analyzing and over-thinking the past and what I’ve been through. Where my life is at, and what is going to happen next. I have a laugh with my best friend on Skype, not really thinking anything, just being in the present. Then as the evening turns into the night, thoughts start running through my head once more. As these thoughts come, long before I realize it, I’m typing them on my computer. I realize I’m doing something totally stupid, what I will regret in the morning. I just have to. I can’t stop my fingers from moving. I can’t stop these thoughts. Then it’s too late.
The morning comes, as expected I regret it. I feel worse than I did yesterday. I can’t undo it anymore.
My suspicions are confirmed; social media is of the devil. What do you get out of facebook, really? Sure you can keep up with your friends you don’t necessarily talk to everyday. You can even have your family members there to catch up with. I’ve really been thinking of deleting my facebook for a while now as I feel it doesn’t really add anything to my life. If anything, more often than not, I get anxious when I’m there. You have your friends, acquaintances, even people you are just curious of what they’re doing without really talking to them. Ask yourself this, does that person really make you feel good or do they not serve your needs anymore?
For the first time I did something I never thought I would do – block a person! Thankfully, I can unblock them at any moment. Right now, I just feel that they are bringing me to a negative spiral more than anything. Having them in my life at the moment is simply too painful. I’m too involved in the situation, my emotions go up and down, analyzing every bit of their move. It was all just too much for me to take in, daily. To be honest, it felt exhilarating to do this! I never realized that I would feel that way. Or maybe I didn’t want to think that as there have been signs I’ve ignored along the way. I have every other way to get in touch with this person. I need my time, my space. Take a breather from everything I have ever known! This even leaves me thinking, maybe I should just get off facebook for awhile anyways, as I said it brings negativity within me every time I get on there.
I hadn’t realized this until I wrote this. I hadn’t realized that the reason why I have had minimum contact with my family members, is because I need my own time and space. If you know me personally and you are reading this, please know that this is nothing personal, I’m just listening to the voice in me! I’m following something I need to follow.
I feel as though something bigger is in the works right now. Something, I have no idea what it is. I may have a tiny hunch what it might be, what I possibly would like it to be, one can never be too sure. When I was hauling my luggage around Dublin on Saturday, a thought occurred in my head - one is never given more than what they can handle! And then a Kelly Clarkson song started playing in my head ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.’ (Although the song may be about a break-up, I think of it as an empowering song). I have noticed myself detaching from everything I once knew. Now it is up to me to find my True Self. I was scared last night, terrified really. Now, as I’m writing this, I’m calm. I know I’m just following the path I’m supposed to take.
What I once knew,
is now lost forever.
My world has been left,
Possibly for the better.
© Sara Huuu