The lack of trust

Life on the blog has been rather quiet. I know I say it in each post every time lately. Still, I do apologize for the quiet times. Truth be told, I’ve not been in the best of moods lately. Life has been a rollercoaster, and finally I feel like I’m losing my grip. But this is not something I want to post. It is not something I tell anyone really.

I have come to notice that I don’t trust people anymore. It takes years for me to build that trust with someone, and if things fall apart after those years, I don’t take it lightly. In fact, I start thinking to myself why did I even try for all those years, just to end up here in the first place? Sure, I don’t regret it – I try not to regret anything I do in my life. It just hurts me too much when the relationship I’ve worked for ends up being lost. (Relationship to me can be any relationship, partner, friend, family member etc.)

Then there are those people who I adore and want to be closer to in my life, and we once were, but not anymore. I’m starting to think I live in some kind of illusion world, where things go the way I’ve wanted them to. Not in reality, of how things actually are. I sometimes even make things up just so I feel better. This has started to happen more and more lately, which is leading me to think I live in an illusion.

Someone once told me that we get caught up in this worldly way of life, and because we don’t see certain things we believe it not to be true or happening. When in fact, it is the other way around, this worldly way of life IS the illusion and things we don’t see but we think are happening, are really happening.

That is where I, myself, get very confused. It is unfortunate but this world is rather egotistical and derives on money. One should have good education. One should be career focused and yet find time to have a family but not more than 2 children. I have always had my beliefs, and the way I see things. My beliefs are compressed completely by the society. I am afraid that because of my strong beliefs, one day I will go crazy because I cannot distinguish “reality” and “illusion” anymore.

How does this relate to me not trusting people? In the way that I cannot open up to people about my beliefs as I fear for their judgement. I fear that people think I’m crazy. I sometimes think I’m crazy, why wouldn’t someone else think that as well? I judge myself. I’m hard on myself. I find it hard to love myself, to put myself first, when happiness comes from within.

I also get down on myself for when I’m having a hard time. I’m generally a positive person. It’s just lately I’ve been having a hard time finding happiness. I’ve realized I love to love, and if I don’t have someone to love I question my whole existence. I can be independent no problem, as long as I know that at the end of the day, I can go home to the person I love the most in this world.

There is nothing more pure in all of existence than genuine, authentic love. I love loving. I should start trusting as well. Maybe one day.

 

Decluttering

Life on the blogosphere has been quiet – I apologize for that.

 

I don’t even have any proper excuse. Except that since I now live on my tablet, it makes typing a whole blog post hard. I’ve been tired, exhausted really. Still dealing with and letting go of 2012, such an intense year. I don’t really know what I need to do to fully let go of the past year but I guess I am doing it somehow.

 

Do you know how important it is to deal with the past year? Imagine this: you keep buying new things for your house, whether it be your personal longings such as clothes or some decorations you like to look at in your house or kitchen utilities. You keep accumulating these things. You do your weekly cleaning (which is a small part of cleaning) but you never really go through what you have in your house. You even forget what you have because it is somewhere in the bottom of the drawer. Your space keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Soon you won’t have any room left as it has become so cluttered. You barely have any room for yourself to live! That is your mind. It’s cluttered because you haven’t cleaned it fully. You haven’t gone through the necessary things, nor been able to let go of those thoughts/manners that doesn’t serve you anymore. It is full with the past.

 

 

 

How can you have any room for anything new if it’s cluttered in the first place? At one point you run out of your space. When that point is reached, you know you need to do the necessary cleaning and decluttering. To prevent that from happening, you can start just cleaning one month, six months, 12 months and clean that first. If you haven’t dealt with, in other words cleaned, your past several years, all the way possibly to when you were born, it will be very hard to enjoy the present moment. As a result, you get glimpses of your past, reliving moments, thinking of the good and the bad times, how you could have done something differently, and so on. But you see, one should live in the present for it is a gift.

 

 

How you clean your space, is up to you. I suggest that you do it as soon as possible. It is a process and depending on how much you have to clean, it may be awhile till everything is fully solved. Some may even need some (professional) help to be able to go through it all. Once everything is resolved fully, you can start living in the present and actually enjoying every single moment, thinking it is a gift.

 

Personally, I am still in the process. I have dealt with most of last year, I think. However, I haven’t dealt with all the other years all the way to my childhood. While I have been very lucky as a child to be born to a good household, there are still some internal issues that affect my everyday life. It is only now that I realize, I actually might need professional help myself. I am not ashamed of this for I know it is part of my path. Things need to be dealt with. I can’t do it on my own. I, myself, am asking for help. It feels extremely good to ask for help actually. If I can do it, you can do it too. I encourage you to listen deep within what it is you need to resolve the past, and do not be afraid to do it.

 

Breaking free

Today marks quarter century for me, in other words it’s my 25th birthday. A friend of mine has been doing a celebratory blog/speech for years, so thought I’d do something similar as well.

 

10 years ago when my sister was my age, I thought it was such an old age to be. I thought by then you’d have to be an adult, have settled down, have a family and such. Well, that was my biggest dream at that age. When playing with my cousins, I always played and dreamed of having the spouse of my dreams.

 

Yesterday, when I went for a walk with my roommate, somehow we ended up talking about grandparents and when we were in the car coming back from the walk, she was telling me what I’ve been thinking in my head for a little while now.

 

I only have one grandparent alive, my mother’s mom. I love her to bits, she’s always been very special to me. Any sort of news that goes in my family, instantly goes around and everyone knows about it within the day. Well that’s how I’ve felt anyways. Ever since being a teenager, I’ve always felt pressured to do thing in a certain way as it’s been the only acceptable way within my family. Being young and the sweet person that I am, I’ve thought by living up to their standards and making them happy, I’d make myself happy. If I didn’t go down the route that was expected of me, I was always very nervous to tell about it, fearing they wouldn’t accept me anymore. I’ve been very pressured by my family. I’ve always felt I haven’t fit the mold. That I’ve been way too different.

 

Slowly, over the last couple of years, I’ve started to break free of my family’s expectations of me, and started to live my life more for me. Or well that’s what I thought at least. Till I started living it for my spouse – we had it all, the house, animals to look after – I had my own little family. He supported me while I was going against the norm, being my backbone for so many years. I may have broken free from my relatives but I still wasn’t living for myself. It’s not until now that I realize this, after I’ve lost that as well. Since losing the family I had created myself, I’ve been completely lost. Beat down, without my backbone.

 

What my roommate told me in the car, without her realizing she’s saying it out loud what I’ve been silently thinking in my head – breaking free from others expectation may be one of the hardest things to do but it will be the most rewarding as well. You’ll be respected for standing your own ground, even if people may not agree with you. She also told me that many people think pleasing others will make you happy in the end, when it actually doesn’t. This made me realize how much of my life I’ve spent trying to please others, not really standing my ground, which in turn has made people think of me as this young, fragile little girl who needs to be protected.

 

For such a long time I’ve let people walk allover me, even the one who I’ve spent my young adulthood with. I see glimpses of the potential I have in myself – the confident, fun-loving, spiritual being with a healthy self-esteem. For as long as I remember, I’ve thought by loving someone so much, they can make me happy. By living up to others’ expectations will make me happy. By pleasing everyone else and taking care of everyone around will make me happy. It is only now that I realize, happiness comes from within. I can only be truly happy when I’m confident about myself, when I respect myself, when I take care of myself, when I truly love myself, and know my true worthiness. I can make decisions that others may not be happy about or agree with me but they are my decisions to be made. And I strongly stand by them.

 

This is one of the biggest, if not the biggest and hardest lessons I’ve needed to learn in my life. It’s funny how it comes right the day before my birthday as well. Realizing this, however, makes me feel incredibly strong, empowered and happy. It may still take awhile to heal completely from my past, but at least I’ve made the first step. I am willing to make the necessary changes in my life that will fully empower me which in turn will make me complete in my own skin which will help me find ultimate happiness.

 

The Awakening by Darlene Gate

Kaipaus

Epiphany

Certain things can never be undone. Words can never be unsaid. They just linger there, sometimes even years after. A lot is changing in my life right now, yes, yet again (or still?). I’m not sure what has triggered for me to take certain actions this weekend but it’s been a weekend of revelations! I am sad to tell you that I no longer live in Bulgaria. I have had to move to Ireland for the moment being.

 

Yesterday I moved into my new place, which is shared with 3 other people. I’ve never lived with so many other people and I wonder how am I going to be able to cope with that! This weekend has been an adventurous weekend, that’s for sure. I thought I could move in to the new place on Saturday, due to a misunderstanding I couldn’t, and so I had to find a bed to sleep in for a night in Dublin as no one was home to let  me in. It was a disaster! I tried to look on the bright side though it was really hard. So, finally yesterday came along and I got to move in. I was really knackered.

 

Due to exhaustion, I start over-analyzing and over-thinking the past and what I’ve been through. Where my life is at, and what is going to happen next. I have a laugh with my best friend on Skype, not really thinking anything, just being in the present. Then as the evening turns into the night, thoughts start running through my head once more. As these thoughts come, long before I realize it, I’m typing them on my computer. I realize I’m doing something totally stupid, what I will regret in the morning. I just have to. I can’t stop my fingers from moving. I can’t stop these thoughts. Then it’s too late.

The morning comes, as expected I regret it. I feel worse than I did yesterday. I can’t undo it anymore.

 

My suspicions are confirmed; social media is of the devil. What do you get out of facebook, really? Sure you can keep up with your friends you don’t necessarily talk to everyday. You can even have your family members there to catch up with. I’ve really been thinking of deleting my facebook for a while now as I feel it doesn’t really add anything to my life. If anything, more often than not, I get anxious when I’m there. You have your friends, acquaintances, even people you are just curious of what they’re doing without really talking to them. Ask yourself this, does that person really make you feel good or do they not serve your needs anymore?

 

For the first time I did something I never thought I would do – block a person! Thankfully, I can unblock them at any moment. Right now, I just feel that they are bringing me to a negative spiral more than anything. Having them in my life at the moment is simply too painful. I’m too involved in the situation, my emotions go up and down, analyzing every bit of their move. It was all just too much for me to take in, daily. To be honest, it felt exhilarating to do this! I never realized that I would feel that way. Or maybe I didn’t want to think that as there have been signs I’ve ignored along the way. I have every other way to get in touch with this person. I need my time, my space. Take a breather from everything I have ever known! This even leaves me thinking, maybe I should just get off facebook for awhile anyways, as I said it brings negativity within me every time I get on there.

 

I hadn’t realized this until I wrote this. I hadn’t realized that the reason why I have had minimum contact with my family members, is because I need my own time and space. If you know me personally and you are reading this, please know that this is nothing personal, I’m just listening to the voice in me! I’m following something I need to follow.

 

I feel as though something bigger is in the works right now. Something, I have no idea what it is. I may have a tiny hunch what it might be, what I possibly would like it to be, one can never be too sure. When I was hauling my luggage around Dublin on Saturday, a thought occurred in my head - one is never given more than what they can handle! And then a Kelly Clarkson song started playing in my head ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.’ (Although the song may be about a break-up, I think of it as an empowering song). I have noticed myself detaching from everything I once knew. Now it is up to me to find my True Self. I was scared last night, terrified really. Now, as I’m writing this, I’m calm. I know I’m just following the path I’m supposed to take.

 

What I once knew,
is now lost forever.
My world has been left,
shattered.
Possibly for the better.

© Sara Huuu

 

New Moon in June

I haven’t really paid attention to astrology or the phases of the moon until I think this year. The moon has started to  play a big part in my life. I’m one of the many people the moon has an affect on. Last month, Venus was in front of the moon and it was spectacular. I completely missed out on that! However, as the New Moon comes about this month, in just a couple of hours, I’ve been researching about it. I found this great article via 2012: What’s the real ‘truth’?

 

Gemini New Moon … June 19, 2012

We are on the threshold of a spiritual revolution, near the close of a 26,000 year cycle. The ancient peoples knew this time would come and left encrypted messages hidden within mythological tales and sacred sites. This New Moon in Gemini opposes the Galactic Center at 27 degrees Sagittarius, where there is said to be access to multidimensional and parallel universes, where the source of all life exists and everything is pure light.

The New Moon peaks hours before the summer solstice (June 20) which functions as an energetic gateway for the Light. The close alignment with the Galactic Center produces a wider portal for a celestial download, helping us to grasp things that are normally beyond our field of perception, and offering the potential for a quantum leap in the consciousness of humanity.

Gemini underlines the necessity of duality for consciousness to exist. The Gemini Twins were originally depicted as male and female, symbolic of the unity and interplay of all dualities, yin/yang, light/dark, within the great wheel of life. Chinese and Hindu zodiacs still indicate Gemini with a woman and a man. The glyph of Gemini represents the two pillars that stand erect at the entrance of the ancient Sun Temple, leading from one state of consciousness to another and through which the soul must pass in order to receive initiation. These two pillars, the eternal pair of opposites, represent the two faces of the Divine that connect heaven and earth within our consciousness. Both must be acknowledged equally ….. the physical masculine pertaining to the intellect, and the spiritual feminine pertaining to the intuition …. requiring us always to maintain our center.

The glyph of Gemini in its most obvious interpretation is the Roman numeral two. The parallel columns being connected top and bottom, graphically indicate the highest expression of Gemini, the ability to link opposite forces, to combine and balance the attributes of the rational mind with the higher energies of the intuitive faculty (opposite sign, Sagittarius). Our physical and spiritual powers are interdependent, one being unable to survive without the other.

 “The dual mind of man must be developed to its full capacity, both the conscious earthly mind and the superconscious mind in the heart that has access to the temples of wisdom.” White Eagle

Gemini is also associated with the pairs of the body, our two eyes, ears, hands and the left and right sides of the brain, the parts of our physiology most linked with perception. Out of the opposites and through their inward reunion, all new things emerge. In the New Age, thanks to a growing recognition of the importance of the feminine, new insights and a rising of the consciousness of humanity will come

“One of the most important issues confronting us in this coming age is the reemergence of the feminine and its balancing with the masculine.” Alice O. Howell

Our personal and global challenges can only be resolved through a radical shift in consciousness. This New Moon in Gemini opens our eyes to broader perspectives and urges us to know and live our truth. It encourages us to develop and use all forms of intelligence, especially the intuition, the wisdom that comes from the heart, in the spirit of brotherhood and love.  

Where this New Moon at 29 degrees Gemini falls in our charts we are developing intellectual strength and the ability to effectively carry out the message of our hearts. As we listen to our inner voice, our direction is clear. As we center our thoughts, we can pursue our soul mission and achieve great things. With heart and mind in balance, we can each cast our line afresh into the ocean of possibilities and bring into being a Golden Age of unity and peace.

The Sabian symbol for the New Moon at 29 degrees Gemini: “The first mockingbird of spring; the creative exuberance of the human soul in response to basic life experiences.”

The mockingbird responds to life by singing a spontaneous, joyous, melody which enriches our existence on Planet Earth. Are we likewise responding to our earth plane experiences from the creative center of our being? As we do so we are an inspiration to others and contribute to the happiness of those with whom we tread life’s path.

“Each one of us is just a visitor to this planet, a guest, who will only stay for a limited time. What greater folly could there be than to spend this short time alone, unhappy or in conflict with our friends and companions? Far better, surely, to use our short time here in living a meaningful life, enriched by our sense of connection with others and being of service to them.” Dalai Lama

Heather Threlfall … June, 2012    astro_dynamics1@yahoo.com

 

What caught my eyes the most, was the mockingbirds.  Mockingbirds have many meanings and aspects to them, depending on the culture you’re looking from.  All seem to agree that mockingbirds are imitators, mimicking other birds’ behavior. Some, mockingbird may also have the meaning of Joyfulness, Gratitude, Cleverness, Intelligence, Playfullness, Protection, Security, Communication. In Native American beliefs, mockingbirds just like any other bird, are messengers from the Great Spirit.

As the New Moon rises, the symbol of mockingbird may the reminder of what you are attracting or mirroring.

 

In another article, I found out that this New Moon will bring out our inner artists, full of creative force. Creativity, can be in any shape or form – even in the kitchen! If you combine it with the mockingbird, where the mockingbird is like a post-modern collage artist, taking samples from around it and creating something original of its own.

“No ideas are truly original, since the best artists are channels. We are all mocking birds, recycling and regenerating ancient wisdom for modern minds, so there is no need for jealousy. No egos, no leaders and no saviors.”

 

Inspiration is everywhere, you may take a piece here, another there, third one somewhere else and mix them all together and you will create something new of your own. I’ve realized that this is at least how I work – I can get inspired something as little as a fabric of a chair to something as big as the sky or a color, even the wind, which will inspire me to create something new.

 

 

Last thought of mine about this New Moon, it seems that duality and number 2 is ever present in this Moon again. Awhile ago, I posted about the subject, it seems that it still continues to be part of my life. As I’ve been reading about it, I immediately started thinking of Twin Flames or Twin Souls. This is something I’ve been searching about, reading about, yearning to learn and know about it.. eventually meeting mine. This will be a topic for another post.